You don’t have to worry, I still love my husband very much. I’m beginning to wonder, though, if I love myself more. A lot more! You see, I’ve been casually observing the thoughts that run through my head, and it would seem I am obsessed with myself. From the time I wake up in the morning to when I fall asleep, I’m primarily concerned with how to promote MY agenda. You’d think with all this self-preference, I’d be a truly happy person, and I am…generally. When I think about all the ways God has blessed me with a beautiful, healthy family, I get all warm and fuzzy inside. That is until I let that obsessive and ineffective chattering inside my head get the better of me.
Being more mindful of my thoughts has made me aware of how much time I spend either thinking about the past or worrying about the future. This, at the detriment of not fully living life now, as it’s happening. It seems that I’m constantly living in fast-forward, anticipating what will happen next. I look forward to the holiday season each year. There are so many different reasons to love this time of year. It’s a time that we can lay aside our busy schedules and enjoy being with each other. All the smells and tastes remind me of wonderful Christmases I’ve enjoyed since childhood. It’s like we insulate ourselves in a cocoon of sharing and warmth. It’s a perfect occasion designed for “living in the present.” But this year, if I’m truly honest with myself, my expectations fell flat. Did I plan and stress so much about what would happen, that whatever was going to happen was destined to fail? I’m reminded of this quote by Hemingway, “Don’t you ever get the feeling that all your life is going by and you’re not taking advantage of it? Do you realize you’ve lived nearly half the time you have to live already?” I’m more acutely aware of this state of mind when given my current age.
This year will be a year of change for me. This is the year I pray and meditate, and stop allowing my thoughts to get the better of me. I don’t expect that I’ll stop becoming angry, resentful, jealous or any other negativity. But, hopefully, they’ll come more slowly, so that I can recognize it when it comes and meet it with a response rather than a reaction.
The following verses I plan to meditate on this week:
“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5
I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, I’d love to hear your thoughts on the subject.